Back and forth. Up and down.

I'll start by saying this: I'm at peace with me. I bore seven babies, I love food, I move my body, I am what I am.

I have gained and lost 10 pounds quite a few times now. I start, I think I'm on a roll, I level off, I maintain, eventually I gain. I probably have more starting over posts in this sad little blog than I have anything else.

I have a goal, an actual goal. I've never set one of those before, to lose X by date Y. I went to a number of BMR calculators to see how many calories I should (theoretically) eat in a day to accomplish it. But I made my goal reasonable, 1.5 pounds per week, and it's going to be a long haul to get where I'm going. Anything worth doing is worth doing over the long haul; but though it may be simple, that doesn't mean it is easy.

I've removed exercise from the equation. That doesn't mean that I don't do it—on the contrary, I love exercise. It just means that I don't expect it to affect the scale. A good exercise week will not equate to a bigger loss, a specific kind of exercise will not be more magical than other exercise. So I do what I feel like doing every day. I move, I watch the sun inch up over the mountains, I saunter around my neighborhood, I do push ups and lift weights. However much, whenever I want, without the compulsion that this will contribute to a big loss on the scale. As long as it contributes to my feeling of well-being, that's all I want.

And I do feel well. I feel happy, healthy, and balanced.

Hungry today

Not unmanageably so, but my stomach is making its empty presence known. Still, I feel great about how the week has gone—not eating sugar, not craving sugar, subsisting on controlled portions, lots of great exercise. It's a good beginning.

Hope like crazy it's sustainable. Going camping tomorrow—can I resist the smores and keep my portions low? I'd love to see a loss at the end of week one, and not gain back whatever I've managed to lose thus far.

Finding my limits

So I fasted two meals Sunday (total calories ~500) and walked about a bit, expending more than sedentary would.

I fasted two meals Monday (total calories a bit less than 500) and exercised about double what I usually would. My energy level, despite the previous and current day's fast, was fantastic yesterday.

I was going to eat only fruit leading up to my evening meal today, as a sort of cleanse. Tried to exercise, but could only do about 30 minutes of cardio and really pooped out during strength training. And I got light-headed around 3:00 and decided I needed to eat a meal.

Lesson learned: Just barely over 1000 calories is not enough nutrition to sustain me into the third day.

Lesson number two: I lost a total of about four pounds in two days. That's a good beginning. Am weakish right now, and looking forward to a good, filling dinner.

Oddly, am not struggling with hunger pangs or cravings. No sugar three days now, though the cupboard is full of it. *shrug* I never know why things go well, I'm just glad they do.

So I guess I feel like writing

Weighed myself Sunday morning, the result being the most I have ever weighed non-pregnant: 167 pounds. This exceeds my previous highest high by four pounds.

Yesterday I fasted two meals, with nary a problem. Took a long walk with the kids after church.

This morning's weigh in: 165.6. Today I also fasted two meals, no problem. Did more than an hour of cardio, plus upper body weight training.

So excited for summer, when I get a little more time to myself. I can't maybe keep up that much exercise, but I can be more consistent.

Hopefully, hopefully this is the beginning of something long term and subtractive. I feel amazingly good this evening, really full of energy though I've had less than 1000 calories in 48 hours.

Wish I could predict. Would love to get back down to 140; 130 feels like a pipe dream at this point.

Not bad for a first day.

Portions: controlled.

Calories: very acceptable.

Exercise: also went walking and jogging for about 20 minutes.

Not much, but it's a start.

Well, after all this time....

...and all these holidays, I'm almost motivated to do something about where I am. This post is sort of like an AA meeting: "Hi, my name is Alyson, and I'm thinking about trying to lose weight again." Despite how OK I had been with my weight and how I look, I find I am not looking forward to going to the family after-Christmas party tonight. I don't feel as okay today as I did last month. It's probably because of all the really great sweets I've eaten these last few days, or weeks. I feel like I'm not my best.

Lookee! There's an entire world beyond the end of my nose.

Do you ever get tired of obsessing? Of fixating? Of having something be more important than almost everything else, all out of proportion.

I am.

I have no idea what I weigh. Haven't weighed myself in months.

And miracle of miracles, I like how I look, even though I'm guessing I'm 20 pounds more than my best weight (where I wasn't quite satisfied with how I looked). I accept the truth of me.

I got tired of thinking of how much I weigh.
I got tired of fixating on a number. "I could be happy, if only..."
I got tired of feeling guilt about eating.
I got tired of feeing out of control.
I got tired of looking at the clock and the portions and trying to fit everything together like a puzzle instead of a meal.

Food is fuel. No more, no less.

I'm lovin' it.

I know it makes for a boring blog, to say, "I'm still in the same place. I don't care if I lose a pound." But it feels great. And it's huge, really huge—for me to be larger than what I've always considered "ideal" and to be contented here...it's very freeing. And very healthy, I think.

Last week I spent an hour or so on the SparkPeople website reading blog entry after blog entry. These were written by fitness professionals who compared their post-pregnancy bellies to "rising bread dough" (boy, do I identify with that one!) and who, despite being a very good weight for their height, have cellulite that makes them not wear swimsuits in public. Entry after entry convinced me (again) that the current view of the female body is so unhealthy. We look at the stars on the magazine covers fully knowing that they are photoshopped, they have personal chefs, they have personal trainers, and they can literally devote their lives to having those bodies (which still need to be touched up when photographed) and while our brains say, "Not real!" our emotions say, "I want to look like that!" We set up a mental ideal that is impossible to achieve, but think that if we just exercise enough or cut out enough food we'll get there.

And then when we see the stars in their natural form—in swimsuits on vacation or whatever—and see that they really do have lumps, cellulite, and imperfections, the magazines mock them and rip them to shreds. This can only cement our notion that perfection is somehow (a) achievable by all, and (b) keep-up-able 100% of the time, can't it? We expect the stars to do it, we should be able to do it too.

(Here's a link to get you started, if you want to immerse yourself in these wonderful posts: http://www.dailyspark.com/blog.asp?post=i_profess_that_i_love_to_confess)

Do we even remember what a real body looks like? There are websites full of pictures. If you've searched out and seen the real tummies and real thighs, tell the truth: were you grossed out by the dimples? Or did you feel camaraderie? Did you think, "Maybe I'm more okay this way than I thought I was?"

So what's new since I took a flying leap off the wagon?

1. I'm not weighing myself at all. I have long known what a mind job that weight on the scale is. If I've been working hard all week and it hasn't budged, I get depressed and start inhaling the doughnuts while saying, "Evidently eating less doesn't help! No matter how hard I try nothing makes a difference!" If I've lost weight that's encouragement in itself; if I haven't lost, it just bums me out and makes me overindulge. I may weigh once a month now, or something. But daily and weekly weighing is right out. I just don't need to drag myself into that game.
   
   
2. I'm keeping a paper food diary of what I eat. Not counting calories, not trying to meet any minimums or maximums, just tracking. Tracking has always worked for me. It helps me, somehow, to control my intake. If I don't want to write down that third cookie, I don't eat it. Tracking keeps me honest.
   
   
3. I'm eating less, genuinely. I guess I had turned into a mass of emotions and needs and I was trying to tame everything by eating it. Letting go of weight expectations, letting go of the emotion of what's on the scale, has enabled me to let go of trying to comfort myself with this or punish myself with skipping that. I don't have to overfeed, I don't have to overcompensate. I'm a lot closer to that zen relationship with food—that it is merely fuel for my engine, it is not best friend or social companion or crutch or comforter.
   
   
4. I'm eating less sugar. It goes hand in hand with #3, but it's still notable.

Those are all really positive changes. I'm so at peace with my body. Grateful to it, even, for being so healthy. My body has never stopped me from doing anything I wanted to. How great is that?

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Now playing: Paramore - Misery Business
via FoxyTunes

Who are you, and what have you done with slightly neurotic Alyson?

Is this success, or failure? I don't even know, to be truthful.

I mentioned that my husband and I had spent hours and hours discussing the current societal view of beauty, the realities of me having borne seven children, and what clothes look good on my current body.

The change in my psyche since that conversation has been, I have to say it, pretty profound. Suddenly I don't care about losing weight. I don't care if I ever do. My desire to be a tight, hard little size 8 or 6 is gone, gone as surely as if it never existed. It's only been a couple of weeks, but I see everyone very differently than I did just two weeks ago. I'm more accepting of personal variations. I think there is a flattering way to dress for every body type, and that if someone looks bad at their weight it is possibly/probably because they're not wearing the right sorts of clothes.

I have some cute clothes now, in the size I currently am. They look pretty good on me, and I look pretty good in them—I guess it's a symbiotic relationship. :) And for the moment I feel free from the pressure I put on myself to chase an ideal that is unreachable (except through plastic surgery and photoshop).

Does that mean I never want to lose another ounce? Nah. But it means I'm going to be happier with myself right where I am. And I'm going to be less focused on weigh-ins. And I'll be contented with small losses or losses that take a long time, rather than feeling like I'll only really be happy if I manage to lose 20 pounds this week. Even though I know that's impossible, I've felt that way before. It's dumb.

I know I could eat less and survive nicely. I know I consume more calories than a 120-pound body needs, or one that weighs 130 or even 140. So some days I'll eat less. I'll try to limit portions, and stop eating when I'm full—listen less to my tastebuds and more to my satisfied stomach. I'll try to limit empty calories, not eat so much sugar. And I'll weigh myself when I feel like it, and not worry about it when I don't. For the time being, I'm not a slave to public opinion. That's a good place to be.

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Now playing: Doves - Kingdom of Rust
via FoxyTunes

Blergh.

Was hungrier than usual today, so I decided to make it an intentional indulgence day. The theory of an indulgence day is that the extra calories rev up my metabolism, help me to burn more calories, and freak out my body so it doesn't get too used to any one thing.

So I ate lunch today. Yummy.

And then I ate chocolate and nuts.

And now I feel like crap. Like crap. Was that particular indulgence worth it, it ask you? I think not. I'm no bulemic—oh my josh, I'd rather do anything than throw up—but at times like this I feel the tiniest twinge of sympathy with them. Where's my undo button?

So busy, no posting

Things are going pretty well. I'm painting the exterior of my house* so exercise has gone by the wayside for a couple of weeks now, but I honestly think that I'll probably be done with that [SQUEE SQUEE SQUEE] today, and I'll pick up where I left off. Doing better with intermittent fasting, it isn't the mindgame it had been. And I'm loving the calorie cycling, in that twice a week I have enough calories to eat pretty much anything I want. That, so far, is making all the difference.

Yesterday and today I weighed 150.0. I suspect on Saturday morning's weigh in I'll be below 150. I'm excited about that, because 150 is my threshold above which I do not want to go. So that means that I'm really just starting the rest of the work I need to do right now.

But at least I've begun!

__________________________
*The painting project has sucked all my time. I haven't blogged in the longest time. But I still have to eat, right? So I'm still plugging away.

All sorts of detours

I've been all over the map lately with diet. I tried my own slim fast diet, in which I was going to eat fresh fruits/vegs for two meals (approx 250 calories/meal), and then a "sensible dinner". That lasted about a week.

Then I was going to eat exactly 1200 calories per day. That lasted probably two days. I upped it to 1500 calories per day. That one, though easier, didn't even get off the ground; I was too busy eating everything in sight. I haven't done a serious fast in a mighty long time, longer than two months. My periodic fasts just became mind games, in which my mind tried to convince me to eat after only one missed meal, or two missed meals. My mind always won. As I was consuming an entire day of calories in that make-up meal, I kept mentally chanting, "Food isn't bad! It's not wrong to eat!"

My problem is that I want to lose weight fast. Don't we all? I was 140 pounds once. I want to weigh 130, but I want to be starting from 140, not from where I am. So I'll "hurry up" and lose the first ten, and then keep going. Or something stupid like that.

I clicked a SparkPeople.com link over on Facebook, which took me to a blog post entitled My Top 10 Weight Loss Mistakes: What are Yours? She mentioned wanting to lose the weight too fast, and it was like a lightbulb went off for me. While it's true I want to be 140 today, or tomorrow, or next week, I can't do it that way. I have to do it sensibly. The time will pass anyway; I just have to make the most of the passing time.

So I began exercising again. I'd dropped cardio (which I love) in favor of weight training (which I believe has many more benefits, but I don't enjoy it nearly so well). So when I dropped weight training because of schedule difficulties, I wasn't doing anything at all. Now I'm doing both again.

And after my failed attempts at self-slim-fast, I began researching diets again. The diets that will work for me are somewhat limited with my mostly-vegan lifestyle, but I checked out a number of them anyway. Most were gimmicks or required supplements or wanted me to eat more times a day than I can, etc.

And then I paused. I'd just finished running and was stretching, and I had a moment of quiet to just ponder me.

And I realized, the only two diets that have ever worked for me are counting calories at SparkPeople.com, and Eat Stop Eat with the periodic fasting. Both are about eating fewer calories, because I'm obviously consuming more calories than I need. There is no way to out-exercise a bad diet, when it is so easy to consume calories and so hard to burn them off. I can eat 1000 calories in 20 minutes. I can burn about 60 calories in the same amount of time if I'm running uphill (which, needless to say, I don't).

Reality checks are good, right?

I've decided to count calories again, with the fun twist of calorie-cycling. This is where my calories average out to 1500/day over a week, but individual days vary. Yesterday I got 1700 calories, which seemed like a full out indulgence day. I ate literally everything I wanted to and barely got all those calories in. (Mind you, I didn't go to P.F. Chang's. That would have made it a bit easier.) Today I get 1300 and I have to be a little more careful. But eating everything yesterday makes it easier to leave out the really fun stuff today, and I know I get another 1700 day this week.

But when I stepped on the scale Monday morning I got a bad case of sticker shock. I weighed the second most I've ever weighed in my life non-pregnant. 157 pounds. I swear, just two weeks ago I was 149? Which is still way too much, but 157?!?!

So I began my Monday with an unexpected Eat Stop Eat fast. I exercised, I drank, and I didn't eat. And wonder of wonders, I made it through beautifully. No mind games.

So now I'm doing a combination, I guess, of the only two methods (which are branches of the same thing) which have ever worked for me.

I'm happy. I've already seen a 4-pound drop on the scale, and it's just two days later. With a few higher-calorie days per week, it feels very doable. SparkPeople is my old friend.

It won't be tomorrow, but I'll see 140 again. And hopefully after that, I'll keep going to 130.

Honey, oh sugar sugar

So I ate more than a bite of dessert at the headmaster's dinner Saturday night. I ate, let's see, three or four cookies at the family tea party we dropped by for a few minutes on our way to the dinner. And then I ate half a [huge] piece of the richest chocolate cake at the dinner.

Woke up Sunday with a sugar hangover, a horrid headache.

Now I'm so glad I didn't eat sugar yesterday. It's so stupid how much self-control it took, but I'm so glad I didn't use this week's sugar day yesterday. I weighed 147.0 on Saturday morning and (despite my efforts, because of the cookies and cake probably) I weighed 147.8 this morning for the official weigh-in. But despite the little jump (which I know is carb-related water retention or something, onward and downward) I feel like I accomplished something. First, I lost 2+ pounds from the previous Monday. Second, I didn't eat sugar yesterday. I was stronger than I thought was. Which is self-reinforcing, now I feel strong because I was strong.

Brand New

I don't know what that magical switch is that gets flipped, the one that gives me the strength mentally to say, "No REALLY, I'm going to do this." I've tried to flip the switch manually before; sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But last week I noticed my clothes were getting a little tight. I weighed myself and found I was 150 again. And the switch flipped.

This is my new beginning. I know, both from experience and from research that I have twelve weeks to see what changes I can bring about. Twelve weeks, maybe a few more, before the fire dies out and I slide into maintenance mode.

I've had a great week! Tracking calories was a big success for me. I started the week at 150.something (didn't pay attention to the .something, I was having sticker shock over the 150) and this morning I was 147.0. I haven't done a fast all week. I've been so weak, so indulgent, for so many weeks now that I figured portion reduction and cutting out sugar were enough to work on for one week.

Also that thing they say? About not changing too many behaviors at once? Yes, I've borne it out: I was able to cut out sugar and track my calories and revamp my eating, but I was not able to also work in faithful workouts. Baby steps, right?

At sparkpeople.com I've set up a "streak" regarding sugar. If I can not eat sugary treats six days out of seven, I'll call that a wild success. If I can do that week after week, I'll call it an addiction broken! I've made it through week one. I've been sugar-free for six days. Tonight is a dinner in SLC for my daughter's head of school, and I suspect I'll have a bite of dessert. And I won't have to feel guilty about it, because I've already met my goal. :)

I've also realized that having my official weigh-in on Saturday morning, and knowing I have another entire week before the next Saturday morning, gives me a mental excuse to splurge all weekend with bigger portions and treats here and there. And I don't want to splurge all weekend; I want to maximize my efforts since 12 weeks is a pretty tight window. So I've moved my official weigh-in, the weight that gets recorded here, to Monday mornings. I just decided two days ago to do this, and it strikes me as a mighty fine idea. Looking forward to Monday!

“It's a fallacy that all it takes is willpower to reshape your body. If you can't learn to speak French in a month, it doesn't mean you're weak-willed; it means you've set an impossible goal. Weight loss does take effort, but as with any project, it also takes a plan. You can set yourself up for success.”

That's what I'm trying to do. Tally ho!

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Now playing: Elefant - Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want
via FoxyTunes

Screw it.

Do I want to be a certain size? Look a certain way? YES.

But it's just not worth giving up food to do it.

This is getting old.

Have been sick for a week now, with the flu—aches, congestion (snot like glue, TMI?), and generally feeling poorly. I'm functional, I can get up and make meals for the peeps in the house and I'm ambulatory, but I just feel wiped out all the time. After a shower I feel like I need to rest an hour or two. :-/ I'm getting tired of not feeling well, and I'm getting tired of being well enough that I can't just take a day off in bed.

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Now playing: Linkin Park - What I've Done
via FoxyTunes

Why not be happy?

Two weeks ago: 143.8

Last week: 145.4
Not a surprise. Death in the family, almost no sleep, lots of emotional eating though I kept up my scheduled fasts.

This week: 143.4
Had a great week. Have been really struggling to catch up on sleep still, but all in all I'm very happy and upbeat. It's funny, when I did this weight loss thing in preparation for my 20-year high school reunion in 2007, I was contented with 140. Mentally I wanted to get to 130, but my effort slowed down with my complacency. I did have a single weigh in back then of 139.6 or something, but I never pushed the envelope. No such mental barrier this time; I'm definitely in the mindset of someone who wants to get to 130. But it's nice to have all my 140 pound clothes fit well again! :)

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Now playing: Radiohead - Reckoner
via FoxyTunes (am totally on a Radiohead kick right now)

I know it's almost redundant to keep hammering the Happy...

...but I am in such a good mood right now. Exercise this morning was good, breakfast was delicious. Weigh in was good. :)

Brad Pilon posted yesterday about how unhealthy it is to limit a diet to certain foods, even if they're "superfoods". Variety is the key, and he emphasized there are no bad foods.

No bad foods.

This morning I had some healthy roasted potatoes, carrots, and soyburger for breakfast. And I also had one of those Costco muffins that might as well be birthday cake. In the past I've felt guilty about eating those muffins, but not today. In fact I feel perfectly satisfied. It was just the right touch of sweet and satisfying (and probably fatty) to make me feel absolutely contented. Breakfast and indulgent treat all in one.

Does life get better than this?

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Now playing: Radiohead - Faust Arp
via FoxyTunes

OMgosh I'm so PSYCHED

I can't believe it. 143.8!

My fasting week went much better after the very difficult Monday I had to push through. I also fasted Wednesday and yesterday on Friday, and both were more or less effortless. I got a little hungry once or twice, but it wasn't the all-day-long gnawing hunger I couldn't ignore, at all. It was very ignorable. I feel like I'm back on track with fasting.

But it's today's weight that really floors me. If I weren't already a believer in Eat Stop Eat, this week would be my ultimate convincer. Last week I was feeling so blah and out of control; this week I have my lowest official weigh-in yet. This one week wiped out all the excesses of Christmas and put my results back on track. I was hoping to be around 145; to have my lowest weigh-in yet is more encouraging and bolstering than I can say.

SQUEE SQUEE SQUEE SQUEE

I'm still very excited to eat today and tomorrow. After a fast, it feels like a treat just to eat good, healthy foods. I've already got today's meals planned and I'm looking forward to all of them! And I'm already looking forward to my fasts this week and next Saturday's weigh in. Bring it on. I can do this.

But I like food! I *want* to eat!

I suppose I've had a hard time since our Christmas road trip getting back into the swing of things. I don't know why; why is it that sometimes I lack the personal strength and motivation to do what I really want? Because I do want to lose weight. But instead of fasting twice a week and exercising as often as I needed to, I made excuses not to exercise in the morning ("I'll do it a bit later!" which I never do) and I wimped out on my fasts.

I think I may have rediscovered my motivation this morning though. My weigh in: 147.4.

I think it isn't the Christmas eating that derails me. (And maybe I'm not alone in this?) It isn't the indulgences at Christmas parties or on Christmas day, it's all the other stuff that I rationalize because of the indulgences at parties and on Christmas day. "Well I ate chocolate then, another few pieces now won't kill me. I didn't gain that much then, I probably won't gain that much now." I didn't mind the little bit of weight gain from Christmas. But I'm not nearly so sanguine about the fact that I'm still slowly increasing now, three weeks after Christmas.