Back and forth. Up and down.

I'll start by saying this: I'm at peace with me. I bore seven babies, I love food, I move my body, I am what I am.

I have gained and lost 10 pounds quite a few times now. I start, I think I'm on a roll, I level off, I maintain, eventually I gain. I probably have more starting over posts in this sad little blog than I have anything else.

I have a goal, an actual goal. I've never set one of those before, to lose X by date Y. I went to a number of BMR calculators to see how many calories I should (theoretically) eat in a day to accomplish it. But I made my goal reasonable, 1.5 pounds per week, and it's going to be a long haul to get where I'm going. Anything worth doing is worth doing over the long haul; but though it may be simple, that doesn't mean it is easy.

I've removed exercise from the equation. That doesn't mean that I don't do it—on the contrary, I love exercise. It just means that I don't expect it to affect the scale. A good exercise week will not equate to a bigger loss, a specific kind of exercise will not be more magical than other exercise. So I do what I feel like doing every day. I move, I watch the sun inch up over the mountains, I saunter around my neighborhood, I do push ups and lift weights. However much, whenever I want, without the compulsion that this will contribute to a big loss on the scale. As long as it contributes to my feeling of well-being, that's all I want.

And I do feel well. I feel happy, healthy, and balanced.

Support group

My eldest daughter got her driver's license at the end of August. It was a game changer for me. Now instead of having my morning schedule revolve around getting her to school and my afternoon-making dinner schedule revolve around getting her home, I have a lot more time to myself. I don't have to wake up early enough to get in strength training + cardio before I take her to school/make breakfast/start homeschool; it's like a miracle how I just have to wake up early enough to do strength training before getting the other kids up, and then just before I make breakfast I can go out for a really quick run while they clean their rooms, and then in the afternoons I can go out for a longer uphill walk.

I've been doing this since the beginning of September, and I feel incredible. My running endurance has increased. (I don't have high aspirations in the first place, I probably only want to be able to run 2 miles or so.) I run every day instead of taking rest days. I have hardly missed a day of strength training.

But I haven't dropped a single pound. In fact, weighing myself yesterday, I may have gained one. Sigh.

So I found a couple of weight loss support groups on LiveJournal. My old one no longer exists so I have to start out with a new group and try to get to know people and make a place for myself, but hopefully it will become something good. And I signed up for a challenge—between now and 31 December to lose weight rather than gain it. I'm hoping that little bit of accountability to a group outside of me will help nudge me in the right direction.

I already have good exercise habits established, and I'm making progress. This morning I ran a little farther than my minimum and still felt amazing; the only thing that made me stop was that I had to get home to the kids and make breakfast. This is really exciting to me!

But I need to work on my intake. So my goal is to track food @ SparkPeople for the next six weeks. I'm really out of the habit so it will be something new. And hopefully it will shine a light on what I need to do to make this all work.

Starting weight: 169.4 pounds. Good luck me!