Lookee! There's an entire world beyond the end of my nose.

Do you ever get tired of obsessing? Of fixating? Of having something be more important than almost everything else, all out of proportion.

I am.

I have no idea what I weigh. Haven't weighed myself in months.

And miracle of miracles, I like how I look, even though I'm guessing I'm 20 pounds more than my best weight (where I wasn't quite satisfied with how I looked). I accept the truth of me.

I got tired of thinking of how much I weigh.
I got tired of fixating on a number. "I could be happy, if only..."
I got tired of feeling guilt about eating.
I got tired of feeing out of control.
I got tired of looking at the clock and the portions and trying to fit everything together like a puzzle instead of a meal.

Food is fuel. No more, no less.

I'm lovin' it.

I know it makes for a boring blog, to say, "I'm still in the same place. I don't care if I lose a pound." But it feels great. And it's huge, really huge—for me to be larger than what I've always considered "ideal" and to be contented here...it's very freeing. And very healthy, I think.

Last week I spent an hour or so on the SparkPeople website reading blog entry after blog entry. These were written by fitness professionals who compared their post-pregnancy bellies to "rising bread dough" (boy, do I identify with that one!) and who, despite being a very good weight for their height, have cellulite that makes them not wear swimsuits in public. Entry after entry convinced me (again) that the current view of the female body is so unhealthy. We look at the stars on the magazine covers fully knowing that they are photoshopped, they have personal chefs, they have personal trainers, and they can literally devote their lives to having those bodies (which still need to be touched up when photographed) and while our brains say, "Not real!" our emotions say, "I want to look like that!" We set up a mental ideal that is impossible to achieve, but think that if we just exercise enough or cut out enough food we'll get there.

And then when we see the stars in their natural form—in swimsuits on vacation or whatever—and see that they really do have lumps, cellulite, and imperfections, the magazines mock them and rip them to shreds. This can only cement our notion that perfection is somehow (a) achievable by all, and (b) keep-up-able 100% of the time, can't it? We expect the stars to do it, we should be able to do it too.

(Here's a link to get you started, if you want to immerse yourself in these wonderful posts: http://www.dailyspark.com/blog.asp?post=i_profess_that_i_love_to_confess)

Do we even remember what a real body looks like? There are websites full of pictures. If you've searched out and seen the real tummies and real thighs, tell the truth: were you grossed out by the dimples? Or did you feel camaraderie? Did you think, "Maybe I'm more okay this way than I thought I was?"

So what's new since I took a flying leap off the wagon?

1. I'm not weighing myself at all. I have long known what a mind job that weight on the scale is. If I've been working hard all week and it hasn't budged, I get depressed and start inhaling the doughnuts while saying, "Evidently eating less doesn't help! No matter how hard I try nothing makes a difference!" If I've lost weight that's encouragement in itself; if I haven't lost, it just bums me out and makes me overindulge. I may weigh once a month now, or something. But daily and weekly weighing is right out. I just don't need to drag myself into that game.
   
   
2. I'm keeping a paper food diary of what I eat. Not counting calories, not trying to meet any minimums or maximums, just tracking. Tracking has always worked for me. It helps me, somehow, to control my intake. If I don't want to write down that third cookie, I don't eat it. Tracking keeps me honest.
   
   
3. I'm eating less, genuinely. I guess I had turned into a mass of emotions and needs and I was trying to tame everything by eating it. Letting go of weight expectations, letting go of the emotion of what's on the scale, has enabled me to let go of trying to comfort myself with this or punish myself with skipping that. I don't have to overfeed, I don't have to overcompensate. I'm a lot closer to that zen relationship with food—that it is merely fuel for my engine, it is not best friend or social companion or crutch or comforter.
   
   
4. I'm eating less sugar. It goes hand in hand with #3, but it's still notable.

Those are all really positive changes. I'm so at peace with my body. Grateful to it, even, for being so healthy. My body has never stopped me from doing anything I wanted to. How great is that?

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Now playing: Paramore - Misery Business
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Who are you, and what have you done with slightly neurotic Alyson?

Is this success, or failure? I don't even know, to be truthful.

I mentioned that my husband and I had spent hours and hours discussing the current societal view of beauty, the realities of me having borne seven children, and what clothes look good on my current body.

The change in my psyche since that conversation has been, I have to say it, pretty profound. Suddenly I don't care about losing weight. I don't care if I ever do. My desire to be a tight, hard little size 8 or 6 is gone, gone as surely as if it never existed. It's only been a couple of weeks, but I see everyone very differently than I did just two weeks ago. I'm more accepting of personal variations. I think there is a flattering way to dress for every body type, and that if someone looks bad at their weight it is possibly/probably because they're not wearing the right sorts of clothes.

I have some cute clothes now, in the size I currently am. They look pretty good on me, and I look pretty good in them—I guess it's a symbiotic relationship. :) And for the moment I feel free from the pressure I put on myself to chase an ideal that is unreachable (except through plastic surgery and photoshop).

Does that mean I never want to lose another ounce? Nah. But it means I'm going to be happier with myself right where I am. And I'm going to be less focused on weigh-ins. And I'll be contented with small losses or losses that take a long time, rather than feeling like I'll only really be happy if I manage to lose 20 pounds this week. Even though I know that's impossible, I've felt that way before. It's dumb.

I know I could eat less and survive nicely. I know I consume more calories than a 120-pound body needs, or one that weighs 130 or even 140. So some days I'll eat less. I'll try to limit portions, and stop eating when I'm full—listen less to my tastebuds and more to my satisfied stomach. I'll try to limit empty calories, not eat so much sugar. And I'll weigh myself when I feel like it, and not worry about it when I don't. For the time being, I'm not a slave to public opinion. That's a good place to be.

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Now playing: Doves - Kingdom of Rust
via FoxyTunes

*shrug*

Not sure why weight loss has slowed down to the speed of naught, but I'll keep on keepin' on. Have started exercising during lunchtime since I'm not eating anyway, and that is going marvelously well. Can't believe how great it feels, actually, so I'll stick with it while it works. And hopefully the weight will at least trickle off.

Husband and I went out to dinner last Saturday evening, to my favorite restaurant. I ate exactly what I wanted to, but I was moderate with the portions. Win! We had a long, long, hours long conversation about bodies—about the pressure I feel to have a certain body because that is all that is portrayed in the media. I'd really love to have a tight, flat little tummy. Will that happen, after bearing seven? I just don't foresee it. I could possibly lose that much weight, but at what sacrifice?

And why should I feel like I must? Why do I crave it so badly?

Interestingly, we ended up thinking I needed to go looking at new clothes, some that don't fit me quite so snugly. Some of my shirts, while they look okay when I'm standing, accentuate my rolls on my abdomen most unflatteringly when I sit. What if they were a little looser, and could drape over and camouflage the rolls? We went to Eddie Bauer and tried on a few shirts and pants in a bit larger size and found some things that actually look quite nice.

So I'm feeling, actually, okay[er] about myself. Why do I need to get down to a certain weight to be cute, to dress well, to feel happy about myself?

I'll continue. I'm doing well. But I'm also okay, right now, with me. I'll see where it leads.

For Angela, who recently found my blog: welcome! I'm glad you stumbled on it. I hope to see you around a lot. I wanted to address one thing in particular that you said: "Maybe your body doesn't like you skipping lunch and thinks you are starving it." For what it's worth, I don't believe in starvation mode. (That sounds funny, like it's Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy.) All the latest research I can find indicates to me that starvation mode is a lot harder to enter than we're made to believe, and that if I am, for instance, lifting weights and actively building/maintaining muscle while cutting calories (even below the 1000-calorie level) then my body realizes it isn't starvation, and just behaves as it should: expending more calories than it takes in, and losing weight. I think there is ample research on this, and I'm doing my own personal experiment on it, I suppose you could say. :) In months and months of doing 24-hour fasts, I never touched my metabolism, it continued to function perfectly. We're pretty resilient creatures.

Onward! Now, with clothes that fit better! (That's a new feature, darling.)

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Now playing: Muse - Exogenesis: Symphony Part 1
via FoxyTunes

True confessions.

1. I ate sugar again. Drat. One little bit gave way to one bigger bit, until I was eating sugar every day. Not in the quantities I had been before, so that's good. Sugar wasn't the only thing that was important to me. But I had to start over again cutting it out. I'm on day three. It isn't as difficult this time.
   
   
2. I'm finding it almost impossible right now to fast. I don't know why; lack of willpower? I just get horrifically starving, and then I think, "But food isn't bad!" and I eat and then I make up all the calories I'd so far skipped that day, breakfast or breakfast plus lunch. Oh yeah, I can totally eat an entire day's calories in one sitting. :(
   
   
3. So I'm actively back at sparkpeople.com for the moment, tracking my caloric intake. It is easier for me, right now, to limit my portions than to fast. And I figured since I was just eating like crazy, I had to do something.
   
   
4. I'm also trying to be more faithful with exercise, especially strength training. Spring weather is here and is supposed to stay all week long (SQUEE) and what I really want to do is get out and jog and walk. Though I'm definitely not in the cardiovascular shape I was in last spring when I had been doing cardio faithfully. My shift of focus to strength training, and then my total laziness in not doing it, has made me a little bit winded in places where I used to not be. Sigh. I really enjoy cardio so much more than strength training. Really. But I need the strength training more.

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Now playing: Adam Lambert - Mad World (American Idol Studio Version)
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How Alyson lost her groove.

I didn't even weigh myself last Saturday; usually I wake up with a sense of anticipation, or occasionally dread ;) knowing my weigh-in is the first thing I'll do, but last week I woke up with an overwhelming sense of I-don't-care. I'd been sick for a week, too sick to fast, and I just didn't care what I weighed. I'd been trying for a couple of weeks to talk myself into caring, but it hadn't worked.

I've been thinking about "starting over" for a little bit now. I'm so happy that I'm not in the 150s anymore, that was a good beginning way back then and a good result achieved, but I act like someone at the tail end of a diet, someone who has ten more pounds to lose but just isn't feeling it anymore. My clothes all fit again; the urgency, the inspiration to continue had waned.

I read this article many months ago—a very interesting article on weight loss, if you're interested—but the part that really stuck out at me was this:

“Weight loss happens in two stages that require two different approaches. First, there's the losing stage. That's all about food restriction. There's no particular diet that seems to be more effective than another one; it has more to do with individual preference — what you can stick with long-term. The weight-loss stage lasts an average of three to six months. …After six months, if you get there, you're a success story. If you haven't lost all the weight you want to lose in that time, you're probably not going to do it. If you still have a lot of weight to lose at that point, it's best to take several months to maintain the weight you've shed, then try another six-month diet.”

I feel like this is pretty much all over the news at present, the fact that it boils down to calories in vs. calories expended, and that low fat isn't superior to low carb isn't superior to raw food only, etc. (Now, I do think that intermittent fasting fires up the body in a different way than plain old calorie restriction, I'll say that. But it is still a form of calorie restriction, which means it is a viable means of losing weight but the studies haven't given it the crown for being superior to the others.)

Anyway, I have gotten to that point. It's not new anymore in week 20 or 21, you know? It sounded great to lose 12 pounds in 10 weeks, but the same 12 pounds 8 weeks later after 20 weeks of effort starts to sound old. I'm no longer motivated by my initial starting point, and by what I've achieved thus far. My original drive has waned, and I've been coasting for quite a while now.

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Now playing: Muse - Apocalypse Please
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Ringing out the old

I've discovered that shoveling lots of heavy snow is the best upper back workout I've ever done, and mighty effective for shoulders too. Yesterday my husband came home from work and hugged me, and everything was sore. I hadn't realized it until he began rubbing. A masseuse would really be appreciated right now—as if a rural-dwelling stay at home mother of seven could just toodle off for a massage!

Our family had a fun Christmas adventure last week. We packed up the Suburban and tow-along trailer with everything necessary for nine people for Christmas, and ventured 850 miles to a family cabin near the Canadian border. We had a fantastic time, it was a unique Christmas experience for us but certainly enjoyable and memorable. I fasted the day we drove up there (thereby missing all those greasy road trip foods, nice!) and the first day of our drive back, and it wasn't too bad at all.

But I did miss last week's weigh in. And though I wanted to, I was unable to fast yesterday. I was ravenously, insatiably hungry. And you wouldn't believe the huge box of sugary treats I have in the kitchen! *kicks leftover Christmas goodies* I'm so not good with resisting sugar.

Today is the last day of 2008. It has been a good year, has flown by so quickly; I'm amazed it's gone. But so many wonderful things have happened for me, and for my family. And I go into 2009 with hope and happiness, thanks to Eat Stop Eat. I began my "New Year's Resolution" months early, and I've already lost more than ten pounds. I've found lots of new ways to build strength (including snow shoveling :D ) and I will achieve my goals this year. And it won't take me all of 2009 to do it, either.

Thank you, 2008. You've been good to me.

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Now playing: Jason Mraz - I'm Yours
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On top of the world!

I have had a fantastic week so far.

• On Monday, I organized a field trip for our homeschool group. When I got dressed in my skinnier jeans and a clinging sweater, even I thought, "Wow." No delusions, I could see a difference. When my husband saw me (he met us at the museum) he said, "Oh my gosh I hadn't seen you wearing anything like that yet. You look so good." And he grabbed my butt. :)
  
  
• One of the moms who participated in the field trip was my first real friend when we moved to this area ten years ago. We've since moved into a different house further away from her and I don't see her very often anymore, though we always have a great chat when we do see one another. While I was walking around making sure everyone had arrived, this friend pulled my husband aside and said, "Every time I see Alyson, she gets more gorgeous. She looks better, every time I see her."
  
  
• Yesterday all eight of us stopped by my husband's office when we were passing by. We're almost never passing by, and if we are usually we're headed somewhere urgently; yesterday we had time so I said, "Let's go see Dad!" One of his coworkers, whom I hadn't seen in several months said, "You're looking good. All that healthy living is treating you right."
  
  
• Last night while he was holding me in bed B said, "You even feel smaller."

Now, the compliments from my husband meant the most, because he's the one I want to look good for.

But the other two comments were pretty mood-lifting too. They weren't about weight loss. Who knows but what my own confidence, inspired by the nine pounds I've dropped, was sufficient to make me look different to both of them? But I can't help being thrilled with positive feedback like that.

And it has helped me stay on track a bit this week. The Thanksgiving feasting is already starting to trickle in—special treats here, little get-togethers there, taking the kids and eating out because we're on break—and because I know that in some way my efforts are already visible, I want to be sure that I preserve the headway I've already made.

Had a wonderful morning with my husband, and I can't wait for Thanksgiving tomorrow. Excellent workout this morning, too. All my happy hormones are just flowing like crazy, making me feel like I can fly. :)

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Now playing: Coldplay - God Put A Smile Upon Your Face
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