Back and forth. Up and down.

I'll start by saying this: I'm at peace with me. I bore seven babies, I love food, I move my body, I am what I am.

I have gained and lost 10 pounds quite a few times now. I start, I think I'm on a roll, I level off, I maintain, eventually I gain. I probably have more starting over posts in this sad little blog than I have anything else.

I have a goal, an actual goal. I've never set one of those before, to lose X by date Y. I went to a number of BMR calculators to see how many calories I should (theoretically) eat in a day to accomplish it. But I made my goal reasonable, 1.5 pounds per week, and it's going to be a long haul to get where I'm going. Anything worth doing is worth doing over the long haul; but though it may be simple, that doesn't mean it is easy.

I've removed exercise from the equation. That doesn't mean that I don't do it—on the contrary, I love exercise. It just means that I don't expect it to affect the scale. A good exercise week will not equate to a bigger loss, a specific kind of exercise will not be more magical than other exercise. So I do what I feel like doing every day. I move, I watch the sun inch up over the mountains, I saunter around my neighborhood, I do push ups and lift weights. However much, whenever I want, without the compulsion that this will contribute to a big loss on the scale. As long as it contributes to my feeling of well-being, that's all I want.

And I do feel well. I feel happy, healthy, and balanced.

My new jam

My current weight loss comes courtesy of EET, which is personal online coaching. I'm in frequent contact with "Mr. EET" Jon Pearlstone—he goes over my weekly schedule with me, my forecast of what I'm going to eat/when, and when and what I'll do for exercise. He makes suggestions and tweaks based on what he knows from his own experience and from coaching others. This is new to me; I've never had a coach before. But it has been valuable, because for the first time ever all food is allowed in this weight loss plan.

I've been all over the map with weight loss. I've counted calories. I've counted fat grams and fiber grams. I've done intermittent fasting. I've done food combining, which is basically not combining foods that don't digest well together, like carbs and protein, in the same meal. I've refused to count calories, and instead counted food exchanges or portion sizes. I've gone off sugar. I've limited my sugar. I've denied myself. I've rewarded myself. I've sneaked. I've eaten whatever I wanted, thrown my hands up, and said, "To heck with today, I'll start again tomorrow."

With every previous diet, a treat or a day of big portions would usually throw me into a tailspin of sorts; I'd "punish" myself for my slip and be all the stricter in the days following. Usually, that would end up being the kiss of death for that particular weight loss effort. I have a hard time living with perpetual guilt, and an easy time living with eating chocolate whenever I want. Strict is disheartening, and it is difficult to maintain in the long run. And if I just quit weighing myself, I don't even know what the chocolate is doing to me.

Side note on my psychological make up: if I go all strict on myself, and I stick with it and do perfectly and deny myself, and then don't see a measurable loss by the end of the week, I go a little wee bit nutso. If all that denial and difficulty didn't yield a loss, then my brain gives me no reason to continue. In fact, my brain gives me no reason to not go inhale without mastication all the delicious foods in my kitchen.

The good part about EET is that the treats are built in. Mr. EET insists upon them! Every day I must eat something that I consider a delicious treat. I get to eat my favorite foods all the time, there's nothing that I need to save for special occasions, or that I have to deny myself and think, "Maybe when I've lost the weight I can eat that again." Everything is allowed. Which is the key to sustainability. And treats are the key to fun. It is magical, knowing I don't have to deny myself of anything; I may not be able to eat something that tempts me right then, at that very moment, but I never have to feel desperate because I can easily build whatever I want to eat into my meals sometime within 24 hours, and I can enjoy it just as much as I think I will. :) It takes Herculean self control to say, "I'll never eat my favorite chocolate chocolate doughnut again!" And it leads to failure. But it doesn't take nearly as much will power, almost none in fact, to say, "Mmm, delicious! I'll eat this after lunch tomorrow!" and just wait a few hours, knowing I get the whole yumzers thing.

So that's my new jam: internet coaching, and eating all my favorite foods every day. And so far, it's working out. I lost 10.2 pounds between 7 November and 31 January, and 7 of those were with the help of EET. I'm in a groove again, and really excited about it. :)

Twinkie diet helps nutrition professor lose 27 pounds

Haub's "bad" cholesterol, or LDL, dropped 20 percent and his "good" cholesterol, or HDL, increased by 20 percent. He reduced the level of triglycerides, which are a form of fat, by 39 percent.

"That's where the head scratching comes," Haub said. "What does that mean? Does that mean I'm healthier? Or does it mean how we define health from a biology standpoint, that we're missing something?"
Twinkie diet helps nutrition professor lose 27 pounds - CNN.com

An interesting article, though it can't be called a "study". I did read the results of a study last week that directly contradicted this one, that found that the composition of calories was very important. If I can relocate it, I'll add it below.

But I still find this interesting. This should definitely serve as proof that no form of calorie reduction is more valid than another, that any way of cutting calories can give a good outcome. (!)

Support group

My eldest daughter got her driver's license at the end of August. It was a game changer for me. Now instead of having my morning schedule revolve around getting her to school and my afternoon-making dinner schedule revolve around getting her home, I have a lot more time to myself. I don't have to wake up early enough to get in strength training + cardio before I take her to school/make breakfast/start homeschool; it's like a miracle how I just have to wake up early enough to do strength training before getting the other kids up, and then just before I make breakfast I can go out for a really quick run while they clean their rooms, and then in the afternoons I can go out for a longer uphill walk.

I've been doing this since the beginning of September, and I feel incredible. My running endurance has increased. (I don't have high aspirations in the first place, I probably only want to be able to run 2 miles or so.) I run every day instead of taking rest days. I have hardly missed a day of strength training.

But I haven't dropped a single pound. In fact, weighing myself yesterday, I may have gained one. Sigh.

So I found a couple of weight loss support groups on LiveJournal. My old one no longer exists so I have to start out with a new group and try to get to know people and make a place for myself, but hopefully it will become something good. And I signed up for a challenge—between now and 31 December to lose weight rather than gain it. I'm hoping that little bit of accountability to a group outside of me will help nudge me in the right direction.

I already have good exercise habits established, and I'm making progress. This morning I ran a little farther than my minimum and still felt amazing; the only thing that made me stop was that I had to get home to the kids and make breakfast. This is really exciting to me!

But I need to work on my intake. So my goal is to track food @ SparkPeople for the next six weeks. I'm really out of the habit so it will be something new. And hopefully it will shine a light on what I need to do to make this all work.

Starting weight: 169.4 pounds. Good luck me!

I made it through!

First fast (in the current series) behind me! Breakfast this morning was scrumptious. Food always tastes better after I've fasted. And I tell you what, when I'm skipping up to six meals per week, I'm always certain that the ones I eat are good and worth the calories.

Always on square one

...is better than never starting at all?

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I say, “I look all right. I look okay. For a woman who has had seven children, I’m not bad at all.” I am pretty average.
Other times, I remember when I weighed 140 right around the time of my high school reunion, I look at those pictures, and I’m not nearly so contented with my current state.

Sometimes it’s so easy for me to adhere to smaller portions, to counting and reducing calories, to periodic fasting.
Other times, I get a twinge of hunger and my brain starts to shout YOU’RE REALLY HUNGRY! EAT! FOOD ISN’T BAD! and I think, that’s true, food isn’t bad. And I eat. And I’m usually pretty empty from fasting or eating tiny portions so I eat a lot.

Sometimes I get a little jealous about all those women in Hollywood who have a lot of money and can just plastic surgery their way through the 25 pounds I want to lose.
Other times, I get a little angry that I feel like I want to look like them at all, that I’ve bought into the arbitrary and unrealistic body standard they portray.

Sometimes I’m so glad I bought a Spanx body shaper, and figured out how to modify it so it worked for me. It goes from right beneath my bra to my mid-thigh, and it does wonders! But it didn't stay up very well. So I sewed on thick elastic straps, and now it’s perfect.
Other times, I wish I’d had this Spanx body shaper at 140 pounds, for my reunion. I only had a tiny bit of tummy then. Holy cow, I bet I would have looked great.

Sometimes I am beyond faithful with exercise—pushing myself to improve, not content with doing as much as I did yesterday. Sometimes I focus on cardio (jogging and walking), sometimes on strength training. For the last four months of the school year and hectic kid schedules I thought, “I can’t wait for summer I can’t wait for summer I can exercise every day!”
Other times, I wonder what the point is. Or I want sleep more than I want exercise. After more than a month building up to a really good speed and distance, for the last three weeks I haven’t exercised at all. This morning I got dressed for it, but here I am writing instead. And I’d sort of like to go back to bed.

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Last night I decided I’d give a 24-hour fast a shot. Eat Stop Eat has worked for me before, and I know it can work again, if I can get around my sabotaging brain. If I can just train my brain to remember that food is merely fuel for my body, and that I’m not the meanest thing ever for not eating. If I can push past the few early first fasts, that are filled with hunger pangs, and get to those later fasts where skipping food is no big deal.

So I didn’t eat dinner, and made it just fine. This morning my stomach is protesting, and once again I didn’t exercise. So many excuses. But even if I don’t do everything, I can do something. Fingers crossed I can be strong.

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Now playing: Muse - Resistance